"These people"

P and O's new tipping and wages policy has "these people" in tears. http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2012/apr/29/cruise-firm-performance-bonuses-tips?CMP=twt_fd

Earplugs

Earplugs. There is the chance of noise pollution on a ship that may interfere with you having a good time on your cruise. Creaky cabins; noisy neighbours; crew moving stuff about early and later; loo-flushing; air-conditioning; waves against the side of the ship and being too near the inner workings of the ship or the entertainment areas are just some of the possible problem areas. Your earplugs will go a long way to making sure you have a good night’s sleep or nap. The gel ones or the ones made of foam are the best to use. The wax ones tend to be a little uncomfortable. Experiment at home with them a few days before you travel to see which suit you best.

Memorable passengers - When Stephen Merchant lost the plot!

I was once on a cruise on the Oriana and the comedian and "The Office" writer Stephen Merchant happened to be on at the same time.He was with his parents and I found him to be an extremely affable guy. We spent some time in the Casino together.
One day, we were sunning ourselves at the aft of the ship and he was writing notes for his latest series which turned out to be the very funny "Extras". A sudden gust of wind caught the papers and they blew over the back of the ship!
"Ah well, start again" he said.
Considering the show was a brilliant success, he must have had either a photographic memory or he indeed started from scratch (though I suspect it was tongue-in-cheek).
Since then, his career has gone from strength to strength and become a performer in his own right.

Infographic

Thomas Cook have launched an Infographic about passenger ship travel through the ages - starting in 240BC and ending with Oasis of the Seas.
You can see it here: http://blog.thomascook.com/cruise/passenger-ship-travel-through-the-ages-infographic/

Queue tips

Do you enjoy queuing? You may do if you’re British: after all, it is said to be a national pastime. On a cruise ship, you will have many opportunities to queue if that’s your “thing”.

If, on the other hand, you prefer to spend your time more profitably, here is a tip to avoid the dreaded standing in line…

The queues start forming outside the restaurants for dinner way before the stated opening time. You’ll see maybe 100 cruisers in their posh frocks and natty jackets standing at the restaurant doors like runners on starting blocks. What is the point? You have been given a table at the start of the cruise. 

No-one is going to steal your place, so why queue along with the others who have also been allotted a table? 

Simply stroll down five or so minutes after “opening time” and you’ll sail through the doors with a welcome “Good Evening Sir and\or Madam” and a pleasant smile from the Restaurant Manager and Maitre’d.  

 Make your way to the table – you’ll be in good time to order your meal and wine. Don’t leave it any later though, or you’ll be scowled at by your table companions: that is, if they have turned up on time.

More tips to follow.

The Crafty Gurkha

I must admit, I like seeing Gurkha security staff onboard a ship. They all seem decent guys who sometimes get a rough deal from this country.
One stands out in particular. I was coming back onboard from a day out in Amsterdam and was confronted at the end of the gangway by an unsmiling Gurkha who stretched his hand out and demanded to see my passport.
I nervously fumbled for it and handed it to him.
He peered closely at my picture then looked me up and down.
Then he looked back at the passport again and directly in my face. Then he frowned and shook his head.

After he had done it several times, my mind was whizzing. I wondered if I'd got someone else's passport or if I'd changed so much as to be unrecognisable.
Suddenly, a big beaming smile filled his face and as he handed back the passport, he pointed at my passport pic and quipped: "Very nice!" then bent double laughing.


The little so and so had been having me on.

As someone who appreciates a good wind-up, it endeared me to the Gurkhas even more.

Bargain Cruises

Just had an email from a cruise agent offering 24 nights in November on the Eastern Med on P and O's Oceana for an incredible £1099 and 36 nights on the Aurora round the Caribbean and Panama Canal in November for £1,599!
Wish I had the time.

Memorable Passengers - Joyce

Joyce is a lovely lady, proud of where she lives.
It's a little seaside town in Northern England and when we first sat down at the dinner table with her, she was mortified to find we had never been there.
"You've never been to Seatown?!" (not the real name), would ask incredulously. "You don't know what you're missing!"
She took every opportunity to drop the name of the town into the conversation, so when the cruise ended, we thought we'd better go and see the place and we paid her a visit.
It was nice enough. No beach. Just mudflats. Hadn't moved on since the 50's - the 1850's.
Perhaps that's what she loved about it.
A strange thing happened on the cruise. She told me she had had the same recurring nightmare every night.
Her father had been a stonemason, carving gravestones for a living.
In her dream, a tombstone shattered and the pieces flew slowly towards her and into her mouth and she always woke up choking.
Half joking, I said: "I'll stop those bad dreams" and in the middle of the Atrium, I placed my hands on her head and commanded the dreams to stop.
Next evening at dinner, she looked at me and asked: "What did you do?"
I said: "What do you mean?"
She said: "I didn't have the nightmare last night".
Nor did she for the rest of the cruise. Nor has she since.
She always comments on it when we speak to her.
I don't know what I did but it obviously worked. ;-)

Cheers Olly!

The Glasshouse on the Azura is a great wine bar and a fabulous place to relax and try out the different vintages on offer.
Now there's another reason to celebrate.
The house wines blended exclusively for P&O Cruises by wine expert Olly Smith were highly commended in the 2011 International Wine and Spirits Competition. The Porta Palo Red 2010 vintage won Silver (Best in Class) and Porta Palo Rose 2010 vintage gained Bronze in the same competition.
The wines were blended specially for P&O Cruises by Olly Smith (who oversees the Glasshouse) at the Settisoli vineyard in Sicily, Italy. The wines are stocked on all seven ships in the P&O Cruises fleet and are firm favourites with passengers.
Olly Smith, said: “I'm so pleased and proud that these Porta Palo wines have won awards. I passionately believe that you don't have to spend a fortune to enjoy good wine and my mission continues to be to share the best wines I can find with the entire P&O Cruises fleet. Cheers!"

Who To Avoid on a Cruise Ship

On a cruise, you will likely meet people from other countries and other cultures: old and young alike. On longer cruises, camaraderie develops and you can’t wait to all meet up.

But you get the odd one or two who are determined not to have a good time. The Moaning Minnies. Here is how you can usually spot them…

Avoid the following people.

They generally sit next to you uninvited or perhaps at breakfast and will almost certainly ask the following question…

“What do you think of the ship?” 

A klaxon should sound in your head and you should get the heck out of there ASAP for what they really want to do is tell you what they think of the ship and it’s usually not favourable.

We have been on some fabulous ships which anyone would normally be really grateful to have the chance to travel on but we have encountered these Moaning Minnies who, once they have cornered you, proceed to criticize everything about the ship from the décor to the carpets; from the crew to the standard of the food which on one memorable occasion included the comment “The bacon on here isn’t as crisp as it is on the Oriana”.

Another question you should never respond to is…

“How much did you pay for this cruise?”

Uh Oh! That’s a no-no. If you paid half what they did, they will be scandalized and give you an earbashing but if they paid half of what you did, they’ll delight in telling you all about it and what great deals So and So Cruise Agency always give them – indeed they are on first name terms with the boss there.

 So keep an ear open for those two key phrases!

New cruisers

Cruising is growing in popularity.
According to the Passenger Shipping Association, next year, 835,000 passengers will take to the seas on a cruise ship - an increase of 28% over the previous two years.
It seems more people are finding out it suits them!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2045401/Cruise-holidays-Number-Britons-setting-UK-ports-increases-third.html

Cruise boost

Visits by cruise ships have grown five-fold in the last decade, boosting the economy by £35 million.
Details here:

www.news.scotsman.com/scotland/Scotland-ahoy-Cruiseliner-boom-sees.6845668.jp

Memorable Passengers - Ron

Ron is a visual feast and one of the most flamboyant people I have ever met
Bumped into him a couple of times on a cruise now and the one thing about Ron is, you can't ignore him and he doesn't give a damn what people think about him.
His dress sense is magnificently over the top - from leopardskin suits and glittery cowboy gear to spangly, dangly, blingy ear-rings: it's what Ron does best.
He has a different outfit every night and it costs him thousands.
I'd love to see his tailor's face when Ron walks in the room with a new idea for a natty outfit.
He's a proper head-turner and people do a quadruple take whenever they first encounter him onboard.
He's a Friend of Dorothy; friend of everyone else too; great company and next time I bump into him, I'll ask permission to take some pics. You won't believe your eyes.

Upselling

When onboard, beware of “upselling”.

This is the practice by a waiter (on commission) of trying to make you spend more money and attempting to influence your choice of drink by asking if you want a certain brand (usually the most expensive) or asking if you want doubles.

This may be done when you are in a group of friends and the waiter is relying on you not wanting to look a cheapskate by going for singles or the cheapest spirit on offer. Look at the drinks list beforehand and specify immediately the brand you want.

On one cruise we did, the waiter kept insisting we have doubles and a quiet word was had with the bar manager.

The day I ended up on Have I Got News for You

It was 2003 and I was aboard the good ship Aurora or the "Plague Ship" as the redtop dailies christened it, owing to a severe outbreak of the norovirus which laid flat hundreds of passengers and led to us being turned away from various ports.
I'll blog about this on another occasion because it was amazing to witness at first hand what happens when there is major ilness onboard a cruise ship.
Friendly Gibraltar let us ashore, despite the Spaniards closing the border, and as we docked, I was standing on the upper decks when a bloke standing next to me unravelled a blanket on which he daubed the word HELP! in massive letters.
The world's press and tv were at the dockside and they filmed it and took pics which ended up in the newspapers.It was even live on the telly at the time.
When I arrived home, I was relaxing by watching Have I Got News For You when one of the questions to the panel was about the "plague ship" all over the news.
Imagine my surprise when the film they showed to illustrate it included a closeup of me next to the plonker with the HELP! blanket.
It's a show I have always wanted to go on but preferably on the panel and not as a specimen.
By the way, the plonker got chased all round the ship by angry officers who confiscated his blanket and gave him a good telling off.