Memorable passengers - When Stephen Merchant lost the plot!

I was once on a cruise on the Oriana and the comedian and "The Office" writer Stephen Merchant happened to be on at the same time.He was with his parents and I found him to be an extremely affable guy. We spent some time in the Casino together.
One day, we were sunning ourselves at the aft of the ship and he was writing notes for his latest series which turned out to be the very funny "Extras". A sudden gust of wind caught the papers and they blew over the back of the ship!
"Ah well, start again" he said.
Considering the show was a brilliant success, he must have had either a photographic memory or he indeed started from scratch (though I suspect it was tongue-in-cheek).
Since then, his career has gone from strength to strength and become a performer in his own right.

Memorable Passengers - Joyce

Joyce is a lovely lady, proud of where she lives.
It's a little seaside town in Northern England and when we first sat down at the dinner table with her, she was mortified to find we had never been there.
"You've never been to Seatown?!" (not the real name), would ask incredulously. "You don't know what you're missing!"
She took every opportunity to drop the name of the town into the conversation, so when the cruise ended, we thought we'd better go and see the place and we paid her a visit.
It was nice enough. No beach. Just mudflats. Hadn't moved on since the 50's - the 1850's.
Perhaps that's what she loved about it.
A strange thing happened on the cruise. She told me she had had the same recurring nightmare every night.
Her father had been a stonemason, carving gravestones for a living.
In her dream, a tombstone shattered and the pieces flew slowly towards her and into her mouth and she always woke up choking.
Half joking, I said: "I'll stop those bad dreams" and in the middle of the Atrium, I placed my hands on her head and commanded the dreams to stop.
Next evening at dinner, she looked at me and asked: "What did you do?"
I said: "What do you mean?"
She said: "I didn't have the nightmare last night".
Nor did she for the rest of the cruise. Nor has she since.
She always comments on it when we speak to her.
I don't know what I did but it obviously worked. ;-)

Memorable Passengers - Ron

Ron is a visual feast and one of the most flamboyant people I have ever met
Bumped into him a couple of times on a cruise now and the one thing about Ron is, you can't ignore him and he doesn't give a damn what people think about him.
His dress sense is magnificently over the top - from leopardskin suits and glittery cowboy gear to spangly, dangly, blingy ear-rings: it's what Ron does best.
He has a different outfit every night and it costs him thousands.
I'd love to see his tailor's face when Ron walks in the room with a new idea for a natty outfit.
He's a proper head-turner and people do a quadruple take whenever they first encounter him onboard.
He's a Friend of Dorothy; friend of everyone else too; great company and next time I bump into him, I'll ask permission to take some pics. You won't believe your eyes.

Memorable passengers - Kev.

Kev wasn't the name of this memorable passenger but you'll see why I changed it if you read on.
Kev and Ethel (also not her real name) had been out on the lash all day in Civitavecchia. It was the day of the 2006 Carling Cup Final and everyone was settling down to watch it in Winners Bar on the Oceana when in wobbled the pair of them.
Heads turned and eardrums burst when Ethel screamed "Come On Wiggin!" and then proceeded to top up with yet more wine.
They asked us to go and sit with them so we did - making 3 sets of couples. We'd met Kev and Ethel before and he told us his hobby was going to funerals so you can see he wasn't your ordinary run of the mill cruise ship passenger. (He liked the buffets they provided, apparently)
Things went from bad to worse after he accidentally kicked the table over when crossing his legs, knocking all the booze flying. Added to the fact he was effing and jeffing very loudly, it made for an uncomfortable session.
Ethel announced she wanted to be done from the back, as she sat on his knee.
Tenterhooks is what we were on.
Ethel suddenly announced "I'm going for a smoke"  and off she trotted while Kev got louder and louder as he knocked back the red as though they were stopping making it.
Minutes later he announced: "I'm going to find my little love.  Where is she?!" as he was worried in case she'd fallen overboard.
He stood and immediately flopped down. Then stood again and started to stagger. Me and my mate 'Arry decided we couldn't let him venture unaided so we grabbed an arm each and supported him past bemused passengers and officers as he made slurred comments on each of them as he passed.It's probably as well that they didn't know what he was saying.
"He's had a stroke" explained 'Arry.
Then all hell broke loose. Well Kev did, actually. "Let me go!" he yelled and started running through the Atrium towards the Ladies toilets which he staggered into and showed no signs of coming out.
'Arry and I expected screams from within but it was ominously silent. By chance, there was no-one in there and Kev realising his mistake lurched out again and ran off. We gave chase and caught up with him on the other side of the Atrium, persuading him to go to his cabin.
Well, persuade isn't really the correct word. We sort of dragged him there with his legs trailing, like a dead cowboy.
When we opened the cabin door, his beloved Ethel was face down on the bed and looked up with a happy\pissed expression. She was in her own Nirvana.

"There you are my love!" exclaimed Kev and flopped down on the bed alongside her.
It looked to be a good result but suddenly and without warning, Kev jumped up again and fled out the cabin like a jailbreak at Alcatraz.
"Goodness gracious!" said my mate 'Arry (or words to that effect) and we set off in hot pursuit again.
He got to to the end of the long corridor and we grabbed him and again dragged him back to his cabin.
"Shove him inside!" said 'Arry which we did and then held on to the handle of the door to prevent him escaping again.
The door handled rattled like hell as Kev attempted to break out again.
"What the jolly heck can we do? (or words to that effect) pleaded 'Arry. "We can't stand here all jolly night"

It was our luck that Kev's cabin steward was just passing by at that instant so we said: "Grab that handle and don't let it go!" which he did, not knowing why but probably wondering why and fearing the worst if he did.
We left him with his hands gripped and his considerably white teeth rattling as much as the door handle.
We then left and went back to the bar, having decided we had acted above and beyond the call of duty and feeling pretty proud of ourselves.

I don't know how long the steward held on to the handle but presumably Kev and Ethel fell shortly after into a drink-induced coma and he was able to carry on making the beds in the other cabins.

We saw Kev the following day. We had probably saved him and Ethel being thrown off at the next port as the Captain wouldn't have hesitated for the grave offence alone of storming the ladies lavatory in a highly inebriated condition.

Were we thanked? You bet not.


"Never tell a drunken man what to do" was all he said.

Chips with everything.

We shared a table once with an ex-soldier who said he worked for a gangster. Short, squat and powerfully built, he had a chunky gold chain round his neck and sported tattoos. But what was memorable about him was his eating habits. He was one of the "nothing fancy" brigade, spurning sauces or anything out of the ordinary and demanded he have "nothing green" on his plate.
On several evenings, despite there being a sumptuous 4 course meal, all he had was a plate of chips and a couple of rolls!
The waiters couldn't believe that he'd paid all that money and had settled for nothing but chip butties.
His powerfully-built frame came into good use though when on an excursion to a rocky islet in Sardinia, a passenger collapsed and the ex-soldier slung him over his shoulder and swam back to the waiting yacht.
Not bad for a man who dined on chips.

Memorable passengers - Dennis

The people you meet on cruises are what make it special. You have usually got hundreds or thousands to choose from and you're bound to find a gold nugget amongst them.
I have met some great people over the years and still keep in touch but my "gold nugget" was a guy called Dennis.
He had been an active man in his time: a fireman with an eye for the ladies by all accounts. He was with his partner and they sat on the next table to us at dinner but didn't speak much. We thought they had fallen out. But no.
Dennis was suffering from a wasting disease. He walked with difficulty and spoke with even greater difficulty. It was sad to see.
Eventually, we got talking and we decided to go for a drink and what a lovely man he turned out to be. It was their first cruise and he was determined to take his partner on it while he could.
I'll be honest: it was hard to make out what he said at times but his companion - an equally lovely person - helped out with that.
We got on like a house on fire and he really took to me as I did to him.
He even tried to dance in the disco and at the party by the pool night but could only manage a couple before he flopped down exhausted. He had a heart as big as a lion's
We enjoyed their company for the rest of the cruise and we dreaded when it came time to part but we vowed to keep in touch.
Dennis squeezed my hand as it was time to go and the tears rolled down his cheeks.
The inevitable email arrived from his partner a few weeks later. She said he had gone into a swift decline and died.
What an impression he made in those few days we spent together at sea.
You will always be remembered Dennis. You made that cruise a joy and it was a privilege to meet you both.
Which cruisers have you met who made an impression on you?