Memorable passengers - Kev.

Kev wasn't the name of this memorable passenger but you'll see why I changed it if you read on.
Kev and Ethel (also not her real name) had been out on the lash all day in Civitavecchia. It was the day of the 2006 Carling Cup Final and everyone was settling down to watch it in Winners Bar on the Oceana when in wobbled the pair of them.
Heads turned and eardrums burst when Ethel screamed "Come On Wiggin!" and then proceeded to top up with yet more wine.
They asked us to go and sit with them so we did - making 3 sets of couples. We'd met Kev and Ethel before and he told us his hobby was going to funerals so you can see he wasn't your ordinary run of the mill cruise ship passenger. (He liked the buffets they provided, apparently)
Things went from bad to worse after he accidentally kicked the table over when crossing his legs, knocking all the booze flying. Added to the fact he was effing and jeffing very loudly, it made for an uncomfortable session.
Ethel announced she wanted to be done from the back, as she sat on his knee.
Tenterhooks is what we were on.
Ethel suddenly announced "I'm going for a smoke"  and off she trotted while Kev got louder and louder as he knocked back the red as though they were stopping making it.
Minutes later he announced: "I'm going to find my little love.  Where is she?!" as he was worried in case she'd fallen overboard.
He stood and immediately flopped down. Then stood again and started to stagger. Me and my mate 'Arry decided we couldn't let him venture unaided so we grabbed an arm each and supported him past bemused passengers and officers as he made slurred comments on each of them as he passed.It's probably as well that they didn't know what he was saying.
"He's had a stroke" explained 'Arry.
Then all hell broke loose. Well Kev did, actually. "Let me go!" he yelled and started running through the Atrium towards the Ladies toilets which he staggered into and showed no signs of coming out.
'Arry and I expected screams from within but it was ominously silent. By chance, there was no-one in there and Kev realising his mistake lurched out again and ran off. We gave chase and caught up with him on the other side of the Atrium, persuading him to go to his cabin.
Well, persuade isn't really the correct word. We sort of dragged him there with his legs trailing, like a dead cowboy.
When we opened the cabin door, his beloved Ethel was face down on the bed and looked up with a happy\pissed expression. She was in her own Nirvana.

"There you are my love!" exclaimed Kev and flopped down on the bed alongside her.
It looked to be a good result but suddenly and without warning, Kev jumped up again and fled out the cabin like a jailbreak at Alcatraz.
"Goodness gracious!" said my mate 'Arry (or words to that effect) and we set off in hot pursuit again.
He got to to the end of the long corridor and we grabbed him and again dragged him back to his cabin.
"Shove him inside!" said 'Arry which we did and then held on to the handle of the door to prevent him escaping again.
The door handled rattled like hell as Kev attempted to break out again.
"What the jolly heck can we do? (or words to that effect) pleaded 'Arry. "We can't stand here all jolly night"

It was our luck that Kev's cabin steward was just passing by at that instant so we said: "Grab that handle and don't let it go!" which he did, not knowing why but probably wondering why and fearing the worst if he did.
We left him with his hands gripped and his considerably white teeth rattling as much as the door handle.
We then left and went back to the bar, having decided we had acted above and beyond the call of duty and feeling pretty proud of ourselves.

I don't know how long the steward held on to the handle but presumably Kev and Ethel fell shortly after into a drink-induced coma and he was able to carry on making the beds in the other cabins.

We saw Kev the following day. We had probably saved him and Ethel being thrown off at the next port as the Captain wouldn't have hesitated for the grave offence alone of storming the ladies lavatory in a highly inebriated condition.

Were we thanked? You bet not.


"Never tell a drunken man what to do" was all he said.

Ah Memories....

This is one of my favourite pics. I took it in Santa Cruz quite close to where the gentleman mentioned in the post below got robbed. I don't know who the ladies are but they were certainly having a good giggle at the soldier statue's expense.

Canaries' Clipboard Scam

Talking of the Canaries, I witnessed a particularly nasty scam in Santa Cruz, Tenerife of which you should all be aware.
An elderly couple off our ship had just gone ashore when they were approached by a young girl wielding a clipboard with a petition in support, or so it said, of African orphans.
While she pressed the clipboard against the gentleman's body, her arm reached underneath and she relieved him of his wallet.
She walked off quickly and I gave chase but lost her down some side alleys - her obviously well-chosen escape route.
I quickly contacted a local policeman and went back to the distressed couple. Luckily, there was a tourist information centre nearby where they spoke English and we managed to get the chap's credit and debit cards stopped.
His boarding card and cash were taken but there wasn't much we could do about that.
I saw another woman with a clipboard and pointed her out to the police and they took her away for questioning. They were obviously targeting cruise ship passengers.
Strangely enough, I saw the gentleman again on another cruise and he had managed to claim back the cash on his travel insurance.
So be very wary of anyone invading your body space - hold your hand up; shake your head, smile and walk quickly away.

Canaries' Alert

If you're planning on cruising to the Canary Isles in the immediate future, a volcano threat on El Hierro means you need to keep a weather eye on the news and consult your cruise operator if things get worse.

Tips

A few tips for Newbies:

·        If your cases are taking up too much room in your cabin or they won't fit under the bed, ask your steward to stow them away for you.

·        If you want to book a spa session, book early but be warned: they are expensive. If you want to pay a little less, look out for the special offers on port days when most people will be ashore.

·        Don’t bother buying the cruise video. It’s expensive and you’ll probably only be on it for a split second waving drunkenly at the camera. When you get home, you will probably only watch it once or bore the backsides off friends and neighbours with it. Do them a favour and save your money.

·        On the last night of the cruise, take the hangers out of the wardrobes and put them somewhere under a cushion. Because there won’t be any clothes on them, they will bang together and sound like the Bells of St. Mary’s all night!

Princess Cruise News

Princess have just announced their biggest ever European Cruise deployment:

The 2012 season offers a wide selection of sailings through the timeless cities of the Mediterranean, the splendor of Scandinavia and Russia and the intriguing ports of Northern Europe. The season features seven ships sailing on 57 itineraries to 116 destinations, including Caribbean Princess' European debut and new 14-day Baltic and 16-day Land of the Midnight Sun routes. And 12-day Mediterranean and Greek Isles cruises will continue to offer overnight stays in one of the continent's most sought-after destinations -- Venice. Two new ports will debut -- Korcula, Croatia on the 12-day Mediterranean Collection on Pacific Princess and Nessebar, Bulgaria (a UNESCO World Heritage Site) on the 12-day Black Sea & Crimean Coasts route

Chips with everything.

We shared a table once with an ex-soldier who said he worked for a gangster. Short, squat and powerfully built, he had a chunky gold chain round his neck and sported tattoos. But what was memorable about him was his eating habits. He was one of the "nothing fancy" brigade, spurning sauces or anything out of the ordinary and demanded he have "nothing green" on his plate.
On several evenings, despite there being a sumptuous 4 course meal, all he had was a plate of chips and a couple of rolls!
The waiters couldn't believe that he'd paid all that money and had settled for nothing but chip butties.
His powerfully-built frame came into good use though when on an excursion to a rocky islet in Sardinia, a passenger collapsed and the ex-soldier slung him over his shoulder and swam back to the waiting yacht.
Not bad for a man who dined on chips.

Memorable passengers - Dennis

The people you meet on cruises are what make it special. You have usually got hundreds or thousands to choose from and you're bound to find a gold nugget amongst them.
I have met some great people over the years and still keep in touch but my "gold nugget" was a guy called Dennis.
He had been an active man in his time: a fireman with an eye for the ladies by all accounts. He was with his partner and they sat on the next table to us at dinner but didn't speak much. We thought they had fallen out. But no.
Dennis was suffering from a wasting disease. He walked with difficulty and spoke with even greater difficulty. It was sad to see.
Eventually, we got talking and we decided to go for a drink and what a lovely man he turned out to be. It was their first cruise and he was determined to take his partner on it while he could.
I'll be honest: it was hard to make out what he said at times but his companion - an equally lovely person - helped out with that.
We got on like a house on fire and he really took to me as I did to him.
He even tried to dance in the disco and at the party by the pool night but could only manage a couple before he flopped down exhausted. He had a heart as big as a lion's
We enjoyed their company for the rest of the cruise and we dreaded when it came time to part but we vowed to keep in touch.
Dennis squeezed my hand as it was time to go and the tears rolled down his cheeks.
The inevitable email arrived from his partner a few weeks later. She said he had gone into a swift decline and died.
What an impression he made in those few days we spent together at sea.
You will always be remembered Dennis. You made that cruise a joy and it was a privilege to meet you both.
Which cruisers have you met who made an impression on you?

Reasons to Cruise

Here's the Sydney Morning Herald's Top Five Reasons for taking a cruise. It's hard to disagree!
http://bit.ly/p2AQ2Z

Cruising. What's your style?

If you haven't cruised before, you will have to decide what style of cruiser you are.

This will depend on (a) the amount you want to spend and (b) whether you are single, married, partnered, or with children.

Don’t worry: everyone is catered for and I mean everyone.

Singles can book single cabins (at a premium, although sometimes they are available at the going rate). There are Singles Meetups onboard and it isn’t too hard to get chatting to other singles in the convivial atmosphere of a cruise ship, whether it be at dinner or on the dance floor.

Families can take advantage of the “kids go free” offers or the 3rd and 4th cabin occupancy discounts. The children have their own clubs, discos, eating places and scores of activities ranging from talent shows and games to artistic activities and games. It’s common never to see your children for hours on end because they are enjoying themselves so much mixing with other kids of their own age and the Youth Team do a superb job in supervising and arranging activities.

There is even a baby-listening or babysitting service on many ships giving you the chance to have a well-earned break at dinner or a top class show.

Gay cruisers sometimes get the chance to meet others too when the “Friends of Dorothy” have special meetings in some cosy lounge – as do Masons, Rotarians and other special interest groups.

There are specific cruise lines for older passengers, notably Saga in the UK who only accept over 50’s.

Longer cruises usually have older passengers because they are generally the ones who can afford them and have the time available.

The 2 or 3 day ones generally suit the younger, boozier party crowd. Some ships even have alternative type Comedy Clubs where strong language is employed.

If you want to lounge by the pool without being assailed by noisy kids splashing and shouting, go on a child-free adults-only ship. Your TA (Travel Agent) or a guide such as the Berlitz Cruise Ship guide will advise

Welcome to the Crafty Cruiser

I'm a veteran of 27 cruises, some long, some short. I've enjoyed every one and consider cruising to be the ideal holiday. I'm not keen on flying so I've seen places I never would have seen if I hadn't sailed there: gliding past the Statue of Liberty...sailing past St Mark's Square, Venice, on a misty morning; riding the metro in St Petersburg and snorkelling in the warm blue waters of Antigua are just some of the highlights.
This blog will be all about cruising and cruise ships. There will be money-saving ideas, based on my book The Crafty Cruiser which is available on Amazon http://amzn.to/pkUI57 as well as the latest cruise news and personal tales from my days at sea.
So sit back, relax with a Cocktail of the Day and come sail with the Crafty Cruiser.
Great to have you aboard!