Memorable passengers - Kev.

Kev wasn't the name of this memorable passenger but you'll see why I changed it if you read on.
Kev and Ethel (also not her real name) had been out on the lash all day in Civitavecchia. It was the day of the 2006 Carling Cup Final and everyone was settling down to watch it in Winners Bar on the Oceana when in wobbled the pair of them.
Heads turned and eardrums burst when Ethel screamed "Come On Wiggin!" and then proceeded to top up with yet more wine.
They asked us to go and sit with them so we did - making 3 sets of couples. We'd met Kev and Ethel before and he told us his hobby was going to funerals so you can see he wasn't your ordinary run of the mill cruise ship passenger. (He liked the buffets they provided, apparently)
Things went from bad to worse after he accidentally kicked the table over when crossing his legs, knocking all the booze flying. Added to the fact he was effing and jeffing very loudly, it made for an uncomfortable session.
Ethel announced she wanted to be done from the back, as she sat on his knee.
Tenterhooks is what we were on.
Ethel suddenly announced "I'm going for a smoke"  and off she trotted while Kev got louder and louder as he knocked back the red as though they were stopping making it.
Minutes later he announced: "I'm going to find my little love.  Where is she?!" as he was worried in case she'd fallen overboard.
He stood and immediately flopped down. Then stood again and started to stagger. Me and my mate 'Arry decided we couldn't let him venture unaided so we grabbed an arm each and supported him past bemused passengers and officers as he made slurred comments on each of them as he passed.It's probably as well that they didn't know what he was saying.
"He's had a stroke" explained 'Arry.
Then all hell broke loose. Well Kev did, actually. "Let me go!" he yelled and started running through the Atrium towards the Ladies toilets which he staggered into and showed no signs of coming out.
'Arry and I expected screams from within but it was ominously silent. By chance, there was no-one in there and Kev realising his mistake lurched out again and ran off. We gave chase and caught up with him on the other side of the Atrium, persuading him to go to his cabin.
Well, persuade isn't really the correct word. We sort of dragged him there with his legs trailing, like a dead cowboy.
When we opened the cabin door, his beloved Ethel was face down on the bed and looked up with a happy\pissed expression. She was in her own Nirvana.

"There you are my love!" exclaimed Kev and flopped down on the bed alongside her.
It looked to be a good result but suddenly and without warning, Kev jumped up again and fled out the cabin like a jailbreak at Alcatraz.
"Goodness gracious!" said my mate 'Arry (or words to that effect) and we set off in hot pursuit again.
He got to to the end of the long corridor and we grabbed him and again dragged him back to his cabin.
"Shove him inside!" said 'Arry which we did and then held on to the handle of the door to prevent him escaping again.
The door handled rattled like hell as Kev attempted to break out again.
"What the jolly heck can we do? (or words to that effect) pleaded 'Arry. "We can't stand here all jolly night"

It was our luck that Kev's cabin steward was just passing by at that instant so we said: "Grab that handle and don't let it go!" which he did, not knowing why but probably wondering why and fearing the worst if he did.
We left him with his hands gripped and his considerably white teeth rattling as much as the door handle.
We then left and went back to the bar, having decided we had acted above and beyond the call of duty and feeling pretty proud of ourselves.

I don't know how long the steward held on to the handle but presumably Kev and Ethel fell shortly after into a drink-induced coma and he was able to carry on making the beds in the other cabins.

We saw Kev the following day. We had probably saved him and Ethel being thrown off at the next port as the Captain wouldn't have hesitated for the grave offence alone of storming the ladies lavatory in a highly inebriated condition.

Were we thanked? You bet not.


"Never tell a drunken man what to do" was all he said.